ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
is it earth
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work