Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When they try to steal your moment.