Enviromentalists:”How can we stop the rising oceans
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):”Pull all those big whales out.

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My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.


I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.


When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network “HELP, I’M STILL ALIVE!”


[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW


Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things


b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’


Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!


Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”


I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected


exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost