Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs