If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?