If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Seems a bit forward
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.