@envydatropic

Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@McGrumpenstein

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

@JediGigi

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@trojansauce

[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@DancesWithTamis

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@LordOfThePogs

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?