@Skoog
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
@shegotagronk
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
@AlanLinic
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
@ImaFlyontheWall
Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..
@NateMorrising
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
@jonnysun
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
@AimeeHelene1
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
@Gupton68
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
@iinkedZombie
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
@marxistotle
LET HIM FIGHT YOU COWARDS
@thehumanxp