I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Do not steal food from the science building!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.