You Might Also Like

@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@shegotagronk

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@jonnysun

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

@AimeeHelene1

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle