Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
This anagram machine is out of order.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
you gotta be faster
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.