@bornmiserable

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

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@TommyRainmaker

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

@CulturedRuffian

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

@Shock_Monster

HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
HR: …
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.

@dril

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

@sgtblueeyes

I told her it’s been a while.
She told me that was fine. It’s just like riding a bike.
Now she’s mad I checked her for proper inflation

@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.