@bornmiserable

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

You Might Also Like

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

@PleaseBeGneiss

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@bourgeoisalien

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@batkaren

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.