[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.