@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

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@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

@Elizasoul80

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

@ArfMeasures

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

@oldlinds

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

@YoungNobler

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

@sock_holliday

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

@bingowings14

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.