ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”