@DocAroundThClok

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

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@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@TweetPotato314

wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet

me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

@pinupteacher

Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.

@UnFitz

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

@BlindChow

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

@alienated

PSA for librarians: occasionally check how the World Book encyclopedia is arranged on your shelves

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?