[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.


Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.


If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.


It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.


Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex


My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️


ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.


ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog


How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”