[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
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2022 will be better than 2021
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Gemma Correll
Cats (2019)
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.