I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.