*covered in blood holding eyeball
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

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Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie


Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!


using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me


Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a “Beware of sharks” sign in my front yard.


I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.


Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.


If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.