[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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Breaking news:
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Smells like a challenge to me
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.