Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
*covered in blood holding eyeball
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Relationship Status: changing locks
Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a “Beware of sharks” sign in my front yard.
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.