“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade