Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Don’t fall in love. You will get feelings and die.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good