@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

- @BadJordon

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@dafloydsta

How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away

@ibid78

WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon

@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@GrantTanaka

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@McGrumpenstein

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@ElliotHetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first