@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

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@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@jwoodham

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

@SuicideBooth1

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

@PaperWash

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good