Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!