Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

You Might Also Like


Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?


Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.


My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.


Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up


The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.


Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.


*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*


A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.


Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations


I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom


I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.