@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

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@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@sheseemslegit

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok