Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me