I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter
everyone (sunbathing in february): ok
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me