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@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@jazmasta

Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@comer310

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

@SuburbanSleuth

My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents