Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.