[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
True?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
hmmm
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”