Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
We found love in a hopeless place.
🐕🍷
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?