By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You Might Also Like
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.