‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
very niche meme I made