I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats