Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
they really do be looking like this
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.