Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

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[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?


If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.


[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy


Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it


[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases


My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.


sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means


if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.


If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.


Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me