@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

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@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@vineyille

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

@david8hughes

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

@nettie0918

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@SeanINCypress

If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me