@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

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@PaulFrei

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@C00LpenNAME

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@funflaps

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@DanMentos

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats