escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*