escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond