@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

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@Ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@stinky_blinders

Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left

@DirtMcTurd

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

@joefrog1

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

@ArfMeasures

ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I’ve ever travelled on

BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress