*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.