@azizpabani

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

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@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

@mack44_d

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

@Bexdora

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

@SteveSuckington

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

@SondraDeeMe

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?