ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.