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@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

@TheHyyyype

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

@VitaeArcanum

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

@JaisaMarie123

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

@trojansauce

something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts

@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@HatfieldAnne

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.