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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.


[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside


ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…


My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog


Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.


one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on


something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts


My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.