Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.