establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
couldn’t resist
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely