Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals


I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.


ear doctor: your hearing hasn’t gotten any worse.
me: that’s great news.
ear doctor *puts down megaphone*: not really.
me: what?


I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.


8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??


Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.


boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car


Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.


“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.


[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan