Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black