@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

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@dumbbeezie

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@Iffy_Penguin

ear doctor: your hearing hasn’t gotten any worse.
me: that’s great news.
ear doctor *puts down megaphone*: not really.
me: what?

@WheelTod

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

@TonyFan1420

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan