I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.