@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

You Might Also Like

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@OtherDanOBrien

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

@mommajessiec

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@drewjanda

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

@ZipperMouth_

I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?