@anerdonfire2

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

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@dog_feelings

the human got a new pair of glasses. and to make sure they look good. they
put them on me. this is not a valid
experiment. everything looks good on me

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@joejwest

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@flower_punk

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

@ShootyDoody

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes