@anerdonfire2

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

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@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

@joeljeffrey

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

@RodLacroix

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

@sarah1mc

I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@deanna_ficco

Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob