Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.


(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.


Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.


Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself


Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…