@anerdonfire2

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

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@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@delusions_of

This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@NYC_Blonde

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

@patnspankme

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…