Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

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1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*


Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.


Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.


My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]


For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…


My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.


I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.


Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob