Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.