Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
79.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.