Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys