Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.