Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
😆this is so true
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.