Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
This is so me 😂😂
this post was so formative to me
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.