@Darlainky

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

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@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.

@13spencer

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

@PatsATweetin

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

@emilymaej

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.

@DadandBuried

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

@julcasagrande

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something