Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

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[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*


I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.


Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…


I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.


Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something