Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
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I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.