@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

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@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

@usermcuserface

I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.

@baconacid

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

@Blondiethegood

I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.

@nbadag

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@ArfMeasures

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.