Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
peep davidson
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Dear Lord..
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK