Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You Might Also Like
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels