[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her