@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.

@MatCro

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

@beefman138

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?