Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?