Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]