Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would