Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!