ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You Might Also Like
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
How did we not see this back then?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!
Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this