[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I love wikipedia
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Breaking news:
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School