@PatsATweetin

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

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@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@chuuew

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

@ArfMeasures

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

@IndecisiveJones

I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this