*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
remember
only for emergencies
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related