@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

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@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

@zachreinert03

My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen

@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@SteelFontana

When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”

@fightforfood

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain