THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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– Dog Logic
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain