Europe. Made in Germany.
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Realize this: