Europe. Made in Germany.
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pelicons
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.